How To Get Your War On

Remember the Maine!

In 1898, the U.S.S. Maine exploded in Havana harbor, igniting the Spanish-American war. Hearst newspapers—the godfather of Fox News—declared it an act of war by Cuban saboteurs, but it may have been a drifting mine, a coal bunker explosion (common in those days), or even self-sabotage—yes, a conspiracy theory. Or false-flag theory. After 4 investigations, the evidence is inconclusive.

WWII

Hitler kicked it off with a pre-emptive strike against Poland, reacting to a border incursion of Polish soldiers—actually the bodies of executed German prisoners in Polish uniforms, planted for Goebbels’ megaphone. A false-flag op.

Pearl Harbor

Roosevelt, or members of his inner War Department circle, failed to dispatch decoded Japanese signal intelligence of an impending attack to the army and navy commanders on Pearl Harbor. The prize American carriers were all safely at sea. By negligence or design, the anti-war majority evaporated overnight.

Operation Northwoods

Desperate for a pretext to invade Cuba after the Bay of Pigs fiasco, Pentagon hawks hatched a plan to fake Cuban terrorist attacks on American soil, including the shooting down of an American airliner. A false-flag op that never got off the ground—JFK shot it down. He would be the last president to stymie the war hawks.

Gulf of Tonkin

Progress has been made: you don’t have to actually sink a ship—just a few salvos at dolphins, repelling a Vietnamese attack that never happened, will work now to get the war fever going. Yes, it was a “conspiracy”—not a false-flag op, just a big lie requiring the complicity of Johnson, some naval officers, and a chorus of willing drumbeaters in the press and Congress.

Gulf War I

After a stern rebuke from Maggie Thatcher—envoy of Her Imperial Majesty, the Queen—George Bush, Sr. triggered the war with a classic British imperial strategem: Secretary of State James Baker instructed April Glaspie, the ambassador to Iraq, to relay the message to Sadam that the U.S. has "no opinion on your Arab-Arab conflicts, such as your dispute with Kuwait." It was a green light—Sadam took the bait, and the very grave threat that the Iraqi military posed to control of its own fields was annihilated.

The "New Pearl Harbor"

Few people know that the latest WOT (War on Terror) upgrade is the 2005 release of GSAVE, (Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism), which completely replaces WOT. The merger was necessary to accommodate the vast new vision of the President—beyond merely extirpating the ancient tactic of terrorism, now we’re taking on the scourge of rebels, bread rioters, and soccer hooligans in every last frontier on Earth that might have some oil. The crusade was kicked off on 9/11, the “new Pearl Harbor” that Neocon manifestos had virtually prayed for. The prayers finally produced a miracle—the single most anomalous day in human history since the Resurrection, requiring even greater leaps of faith. The old standards of physics, precedent, probability, and gullibility were all broken that day—any absurdity could be retailed while the vast ignorati was in shock, fed a whole opus of Magic Bullet theories, stunning in their impossibility or sheer implausibility:

A gopher hole that swallows an entire 757, then belches out a debris field covering 15 sq. miles; the Pentagon plane completely vaporized and the Pentagon videos that recorded it still classified. All but 2 black boxes from 4 aircraft vaporized;, the Air Force that intercepted 67 off-course or incommunicative planes that year never even saw one of the 4 attack planes, even with an hour warning before the strike on the Pentagon; the precedent of no steel-framed skyscrapers ever collapsing due to fire is shattered—3 in one day! All pancake perfect, at free-fall speed.

In Florida, GWB sits reading nonchalantly in a vulnerable schoolhouse for 30 minutes with a major airport 5 miles away and his schedule publicized days beforehand. “Didn’t want to frighten the children,” was his excuse. Bless you, George—you did everything you could not to frighten the adults with a 9/11 investigation, too.

WWIII

Most likely scapegoat—Iran. Either a Persian Gulf “incident” or a false-flag op against “coalition forces” or the Homeland. Other false flags likely to fly on this day: Patriotism and Christianity. Could go nuclear. Likely actors: the fundamentalist zealots of all faiths eager to make it happen. It’s Foretold—might as get the upper hand with another, bigger,and better pre-emptive strike against the Axis of Evil. Raytheon, Lockheed and Halliburton stock will soar like the winged bulls of Assyria! As long there's no business like war business, we can look forward, at long last, to the war to end all wars—Armageddon.